Death Note: Fanfiction Gone Bad
by Corey M. Smith
Summary: The Stupidest Random Crack-fic...In Color! -3-D Glasses Not Included- Pssst...I updated maybe...
1. Chapter 1

"Misa!"Light shouted angrily, entering the apartment he shared with her, "How many times do I have to tell you to stop killing L fan girls?! Do you have _any_ idea how hard it is to keep the investigation team from noticing?!"

"I'm sorry Light!" Misa replied, teary eyed, "But I just read another yaoi fanfic about you and L, and it made me so upset, that I...I..."

Light sighed, "It's okay, why don't you just head to bed, I'll be there in a few minutes."

"You mean I get to sleep in the bed tonight?!"

"Just go." He said, and she ran off.

As soon as he was sure she was gone, he sat down at the computer and pulled up the Internet history, clicking on a link on Fanfiction...

"Yeah this must be it..." he whispered to himself, as he started to read. After a while, he lost track of time.

"Ooh Ryuzaki..." he moaned, not noticing the footsteps behind him.

"LIGHT?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

Light quickly pulled his pants back on and turned to see a wide-eyed Matsuda, who had a box of dough nuts and some coffee.

"W-what are you doing here this late Matsuda?!" Light asked nervously.

"What do you mean 'late'? I'm here early like usual..."

Light looked over at the clock and saw that it was 6:45 AM. Apparently he'd gotten too caught up in the fanfic he was reading...

"Is that _fanfiction?!_" Matsuda asked, trying to see over Light's shoulder.

"I-uh-Misa-and-"

"It _is_!" Exclaimed Matsuda, who dropped the dough nuts and coffee, and grabbed the mouse, clicking links vigorously. "Oh look a new chapter of Life Note!"

"M-Matsuda?" Light said, glancing at the screen.

"Yeah Light?" Matsuda replied happily, having apparently forgotten that he'd caught Light with his meevis out.

"W-what the hell are you doing?!"

"I _love_ fanfiction!" he replied, reading over the summaries or a few random stories. "There sure are a lot about you, Light."

"Well of course there are, after all I _am_ the main charac-"

"I wonder if there are any about me?" Matsuda said, starting to get a bit excited.

"I'm sure there are..." Light replied, beginning to get annoyed.

"Ooh, here's one!" Matsuda exclaimed, "Everybody Hates Matsuda, by KiRaROX..." his voice trailed off. Light, meanwhile, was trying not to laugh, and managed to only chuckle a little before noticing that Matsuda was close to crying.

"Oh, come on Matsuda, I'm sure there are some nice ones about you..."

The next story on the list was titled 'Matsuda's Death', and was written by someone with the pen name 'WatarisMustache'. The summary simply stated : "_A short story about the death of my least favorite character. Some brief LxLight._"

Light couldn't hold back anymore, and started laughing, while Matsuda began to sob.

"Fine then!" Matsuda wheezed, wiping tears from his face, "I'll just catch Kira by myself!" He grabbed his dough nuts and started walking off "Don't try and stop me either!" he added.

"Okay." was all Light said before watching Matsuda walk out the door.

_Meanwhile, thousands of miles away...(in the Shinigami Realm)_

"So it's decided then?" a random shinigami asked a group of about four or five.

"Yes, for absolutely no real reason other than to give this crappy fic a plot, we're going to drop a Death Note into the human realm."

"Where did we get it again?" one asked.

"I don't remember, maybe we stole it or something." another suggested.

"Eh, who cares, just drop it in already."

_Back in the human realm..._

"I'll show them..." Matsuda mumbled as he walked down a street, away from Light's apartment. "I'll catch Kira myself...and then they'll all appreciate me and want to be my friend..."

Just then, there was a loud 'plop' somewhere on the ground behind him, and curious as he was, he naturally turned to look.

It was a black notebook, and written on the cover was...

**Muerte Nota**

"What the...?" He picked it up and opened it. "It's all in...Spanish?! How am I supposed to to know what is says?" He sighed, and kept walking, keeping the mysterious Spanish note book.

_Back in the Shinigami realm..._

"So where'd you drop it, anyway?" one of the shinigami asked the one who'd dropped the death note.

"Japan" it responded.

"Japan?! I thought we were going to drop it in Peru! Isn't that why we wrote the title and instructions in Spanish?!" the first shinigami pointed out.

"Oh...whoops...wait, why Peru?" the second shinigami asked.

"So we could see llamas." the first one explained.

"Oh..." They stood quiet for a few seconds. "This fic makes no sense."

"Tell me about it..."

_Back in the human realm..._

Matsuda walked unto his small, one bedroom apartment, setting down his doughnuts, and the weird note book he'd found on his walk from Light's apartment.

He didn't know what to do now. He obviously couldn't go back to the team, but he sure wouldn't be able to catch Kira completely on his own...he needed some kind of help...

"Hello, Mr. Matsuda. It's nice to see you again." said a voice from somewhere behind Matsuda. He turned and was shocked to see...

"L?!"

**(Authors Note: "WHAT A TWIST!")**

"I thought you died!" Matsuda exclaimed.

"Indeed, I did." L explained, "But apparently, because my death caused the death of a shinigami, I became one myself, essentially taking it's place." he paused, "That, or the author is desperate to include my character in a story he'd already set after my death." He looked around and saw the doughnuts, opening the box and grabbing one.

"You're a shinigami?!"

"Yes, I believe that's exactly what I just finished explaining to you." L said, eating a doughnut, "Oh and by the way, Light's Kira."

"Whaaaa?!"

"He manipulated the shinigami to kill me..." he stopped eating for a second and looked at Matsuda, "Didn't any of you see that evil grin on his face while I was dying?"

"We-we asked and he said he was just in shock..."

"You guys really are gullible, huh?" L asked rhetorically.

"So exactly are we going to catch him?"

"Don't worry," L replied, "I already have an idea."

_A few days later, at Light's apartment..._

"...and that's how my afro saved Christmas." Aizawa said, finishing his story.

At that moment, Mogi walked in, breathing hard, and said "Quick! Turn on Sakura TV!"

Aizawa turned on the TV and changed it to the correct channel, on screen were two Hispanic men, with sombreros, and thick mustaches, as well as a small boy, with long, thick black hair.

"Hey big bro, I'm on TV!" said the boy.

"Cierra para arriba, Mokuba!" the men shouted at him.

"W-what is this?" Light finally asked in horror, as the two men on the TV had some kind of argument.

"Sakura TV's new daytime soap opera..." Mogi replied.

"Isn't that...Spanish?" Aizawa asked.

"I think so..." Light answered, "but I don't understand why they would air a Spanish soap opera in Japan..."

"Yeah, we can't understand a word they're saying!"

"What about me?" asked Mokuba, who was still on TV, "I'm not speaking Spanish!"

"Shut up Mokuba!" the whole team yelled in unison, along with about a third the population of Japan.

"In all my years as a, officer," Soichiro started, "I've never seen anything quite like this..."

"And yet," Light added, "I can't look away..."

"Me either..." Said Aizawa's afro.

_At Sakura TV..._

"I don't understand, Ryuzaki." Matsuda said to L, "What exactly will this accomplish?"

"Unlike me, when I was alive, you don't have a seemingly endless supply of money." he explained while eating an ice cream sundae.

"Oh...and this is a way to make money?"

"No," L stopped eating and looked up at Matsuda, "this show should practically hypnotize anyone with a meevis."

"Oh! So that's why we hired an American film crew!"

"Exactly," L answered, taking another bite of sundae, "and still a few were affected..." He looked back up at Matsuda, "Soon, Japanese women, as well as the few Japanese men without meevises, will realize what's happening, and try and stop the show."

"Then what?"

"Then, since most of the population will be addicted, they'll have to use a secret back up method that they've had for years..."

"What is it...?" Matsuda asked cautiously.

"They'll contact Chuck Norris." L said.

Matsuda fainted.

_Meanwhile, "In America!"..._

"A notebook that kills people?!"

"Yes." replied a certain chocolate addicted man with extremely tight pants.

"But that doesn't make sense!" a generic gangster said in disbelief.

"Mello wouldn't lie to us." the mafia leader countered, "Besides, he knows that if he did and we found out, we'd cut off his chocolate supply."

Mello flinched as he heard that last part, but went on, "As you can imagine, such a notebook would be invaluable to us."

"Wait," the generic gangster started to say, "Why would is be worthless if it can kill people-"

"Invaluable means priceless you dumbass!!" Mello yelled, bitch slapping him. "NOW WHERE'S MY CHOCOLATE?!"

"T-there is none..." one of the gangsters replied.

"_**WHAT?!**_" Mello screamed, his eye twitching.

"Y-y-you ate it all..."

Without saying a word, Mello pulled out his gun and shot him,while the others simply stared with a mix of horror and amusement. They all stood there a few seconds, silent, before someone finally walked into the room...with a chocolate bar in his hand.

"Hey boss," he said, "There's some buy outside who-"

"WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?!" Mello demanded, swinging to point his gun at the guy.

"...A-at the convenience store..." he answered.

"ALL YOUR CHOCOLATE IS BELONG TO ME!" Mello shouted at him, starting to make less sense.

"S-sure..." the man replied, tossing the chocolate bar at the gun-wielding maniac, who caught, unwrapped, and took a bite of it all in one quick motion, dropping his gun to the floor.

"What did you need?" the mafia boss asked the guy.

"I-I was just here to tell you there's some guy outside named, uh, Nick something..."

"Nick?" the boss asked, as Mello enjoyed his chocolate, "I don't know a 'Nick'."

"I'm the one who called him." Mello finally said, now calm.

"Who is he? And why do we need him?"

"We need him to get the Death Note." Mello turned to the gangs self-appointed 'doorman' and said, "Go ahead and show Mr. Cage in."

_A few days later..._

"I sure haven't seen Matsuda in a while." Mogi said, finally noticing the young cop's absence.

"Oh, he's uh...he, um...uh..."Light trailed off, "OH! He went to investigate people in Ireland! Yeah, that's it."

"Oh, that makes sense." Mogi said.

"Yeah, it's not suspicious at all." Aizawa agreed.

"Oh, look at the time!" Soichiro exclaimed, "Hurry up and turn on Sakura T.V.!"

Light did so, and the team watched another episode of the random Spanish soap opera.

_At the I.C.U.P...haha..._

There were 40 or 50 people present, though only a few were Japanese, including the one speaking now.

"We all know why we're here," he said, "Sakura T.V.'s new soap opera is inexplicably mesmerizing almost all Japanese men, to the point where many have stopped going to work..."

"We have to do something!" one man shouted.

"Can't we just stop the broadcast?"

"If we just end it, it may cause riots, which would endanger our lives."

"I think it's time we call Chuck Norris!"

The room fell silent.

"B-but nobody even knows where he-"

"Mr. Norris is already on the move." said an American, walking into the room.

"Aren't you...Nicolas Cage?!"

Nick turned to face the crowd, "Myself and Chuck Norris already have a plan, there's no need to worry." He assured them.

"Okay Mr. Cage, we'll trust you for now," the head Japanese man said, "But please hurry, this fic is really starting to suck."

_Meanwhile back in America somewhere..._

"MATT!" Mello yelled furiously.

Matt just sat calmly, not looking up from his generic hand-held game. He was guessing Mello saw the posters.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE DOING IN HERE AND WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MINE?!" he shouted from his room.

"Those posters," Matt answered calmly, "Are highly collectible."

"WHO CARES ABOUT A BUNCH OF DUMB VIDEO GAMES?!" Mello yelled back.

Matt hit pause.

"You had posters from _Willy Wonka_, Mihael. _Willy_, freaking, _Wonka_."

"The man was a visionary!! AND I TOLD YOU, MY NAME'S MELLO!"

"Then my name is Master Chief."

"You're just jealous!!" Mello shouted.

"Of what, exactly?" Matt asked, "The fact that you can wear girl pants?"

"I look smexy and you know it!!" Mello countered.

"...Did you just say 'smexy'?"

"I-! YOU-! AND-!" Mello stopped, "WHATEVER YOU GEEK! AT LEAST I DIDN'T SPEND 500 ON A STAR WARS ACTION FIGURE!"

"Yeah, you only payed 20,000 for the original Willy Wonka costume. And then there was that time you tried to build a hot tub that would hold liquid chocolate..."

"SCREW YOU MATT!!" Mello yelled, "SCREW YOU!"

"Yeah, you wish..."

Mello stormed out of his room with his gun and walked towards Matt, pointing the gun at him.

Matt smiled, "You couldn't possibly shoot _me_."

Mello glared, his eye twitching, for several seconds, before finally letting the gun fall back to his side, muttering one last "I hate you..." and walking back into his room.

Matt un-paused his game and went back to playing, content that he had won.

_Meanwhile, somewhere else..._

"Near," a man said to a small boy with white hair, who was playing with Legos, "We have information that Mello hired Nicolas Cage to get a Death Note."

"Well, we obviously can't let that happen, Commander Rester."

"There's more though" rester explained, as Near looked up, "Apparently Mr. Cage is working with Chuck Norris."

"So, the I.C.U.P.-" he was interrupted by the chuckling of almost all the other SPK members, and waited a second before going on, "They have gone ahead with their back-up plan, in order to stop the broadcast of Sakura T.V.'s new Spanish soap opera..."

"It appears so." Rester said.

"This is good," Near started to explain, "Kira must also be addicted to the show, or he would have killed the actors by now. And since the only ones being affected are those who have a meevis, Kira must be Japanese."

"That makes sense."

"Wait, what exactly is a meevis, anyways?" Givanni asked, seemingly confused.

Near sighed, annoyed, "You know full well what a meevis is, you're only asking so the readers can finally know."

"This story has readers?!" One of the SPK members said in disbelief.

"It does indeed." replied Aizawa's afro.

"Are you going to explain or not?" An annoyed user asked.

"Fine," Near replied, "A meevis is a-"

Suddenly, and SPK member burst through the door, "Near! Quick! Turn on Sakura T.V.!"

_At Sakura T.V..._

"W-who are you?!" a terrified Demegawa asked.

"Norris, Chuck Norris." he replied, walking up to the tub of lard known as Demegawa. "Me and Nicolas Cage are here to deliver a message."

"What messa-" but Demegawa was interrupted by a round-house kick to the face that sent him flying.

Chuck Norris turned to face the camera as Nicolas Cage walked into frame, "Kira! We know you have a meevis, and soon, I'll find you, and deliver the most power round-house kick I've ever-"

"AGH!" Nicolas Cage yelled, clutching his chest.

"Nick!" Chuck said, looking back just in time to see his new friend fall to the ground, dead. "Damn you Kira!" Chuck said, looking back at the camera.

_At Light's Apartment..._

The entire team was watching Sakura T.V., and had just seen Nicolas Cage die.

"I can't believe this is happening," Aizawa said, "We would have had Chuck Norris on our side, but any second now, Kira will probably kill him..." He looked around, "Hey, where's Light?"

"He said that he suddenly remembered that he had to feed Misa's parakeet." Mogi told him.

"But, Misa doesn't have a parakeet..."

_Light and Misa's room…_

"Light! I think they're onto us!" said Misa, who had her ear to the door.

"Quick, make bird noises!" he told her.

"But I-"

"**JUST DO IT, BITCH!" **he yelled.

_In the living room/investigation headquarters…_

"Chirp! Tweet! Cock-a-doodle-doo!" said something behind the door in Light and Misa's room.

"Oh, my mistake." Aizawa said.

_Back in the other room…_

"Misa, the next time I let you leave the house, go buy a bird." He said, and then he went back to his Death Note and wrote down 'Chuck Norris'. "Now just 40 seconds.." he said aloud.

Ryuk started to chuckle.

"What's so funny, Ryuk?!" Light asked him.

"You can't kill Chuck Norris with a Death Note! He's Chuck Norris, after all."

"But that's not-!" He stopped and looked back down at his watch. 40 seconds had passed already, and glancing at their TV, he saw that Chuck Norris was indeed alive. "Damn it!" he shouted angrily.

_LATER…_

"I'm sorry sir," George Clooney said, "the test results are back…" he paused dramatically, "Your Afro has cancer."

Aizawa fell to his knees, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"

_15 minutes later..._

"-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he took a quick, deep breath, "-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"

_15 years later…_

"Man," a generic man said, "it sure is swell now that Kira's dead because Matsuda shot the crap out of him and Ryuk wrote his name down."

"You said it, life-partner." Another smiling man said.

_Somewhere else…_

"OH NOES! SPOILERS!!" a random reader screamed in anguish.

_14 years, 11 months, 30 days, 23 hours, and 45 min. earlier…_

"-OOOOOOOOO!" Aizawa screamed.

"I'm sorry sir." George Clooney said, removing his ear plugs.

"H-how long…?" Aizawa said, wiping tears from his eyes.

"About 6 months.."

_Somewhere else…_

"I don't know what's going on anymore!" yelled a random man as ostriches attacked him in the middle of the city.

"Oh my god! Someone call an ambulance!"

"Call animal control!"

"Call the president!"

"FOR THE LOVE OF KIRA JUST CALL SOMEBODY!" the man yelled, "AHHH-" but it was too late, the ostriches had killed him, and having finished with that, they ran off into the sunset.

_At Matsuda's apartment…_

"Wow that _is _fun…" L said, looking out the window at the street down below, where an ambulance was just now arriving at the scene.

"L? What are you doing with the Death Note?!" Matsuda asked.

"Uh, nothing." L lied.

"You're not killing people in random ways again, are you?!"

"Hey, I'm a shinigami, that's my duty."

"L!"

"What?! Just shut up and finish that cake already!"

_In real life…_

"Wow, this fic sucks." Said a disgruntled mod, "I should delete it and keep our users from having to read such a pointless-"

Suddenly, rabid owls flew through the window and attacked.

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF J.K. ROWLING?! SOMEONE HELP!"

But his co-workers just stared, ignoring him.

"He new?" one asked another.

"Yep, someone must've forgotten to warn him about messing with Death Note fics…"

"Ah…"

Another man walked up, "Sir, someone also just reported that Wild Arms fic, shouldn't we-"

"No!" the first one nearly shouted, "No… it's, uh, it's fine." He gulped, looking up at a small camera, "She's watching me…" he whispered.

"What?"

"Who's watching you?"

"Syberi-" but he was interrupted by a loud bang and the shattering of a nearby window.

The others watched as he fell to the ground, then went back to their cubicles.

_Meanwhile, somewhere in America again…_

"Are you sure this is a good idea Mello?" Matt asked.

"Yes, this'll be great, just be quiet!" Mello replied, picking up a nearby phone.

_At the SPK…_

"Is anyone going to answer that?" Near said aloud, in reference to a ringing phone.

"Come on Near," Lester said, moving a monopoly piece down a board "You just went, you go answer it."

"…fine, but you guys better not take my money…" he got up and started walking to the phone, "I have 657, so I'll know if you guys take any."

"Just hurry and answer the phone!"

"Fine!" Near picked it up, "Hello?"

"Oh…uh, yes," said a voice, "this is, um, Mike Hunt, I'm, uh, calling about your refrigerator."

"Who is it Near?" Givanni asked.

"Mike Hunt." Near answered.

The other SPK members started laughing, while Near stood there, confused.

"What's so funny?" he asked, but everyone was to busy laughing to answer him, so he put the phone back to his ear, "What were you asking about refrigerator?"

"Oh, I, uh, was wondering, is it running?"

"Well, probably, I mean-"

"THEN YOU BETTER GO OUT AND CATCH IT!"

And then Mello/Mike Hunt(haha) hung up, leaving Near confused, once more.

"He hung up…" Near said.

"What'd he say?" Lester asked.

"He asked if our fridge was-" Near stopped. Suddenly everything made sense, "OH MY GOD!"

"What Near!?"

"LOOK!" he shouted, pointing at one of the screens with the security cameras.

"DEAR JESUS!"

On one of the screens, was what appeared to be a large, rectangular object, running from the building, and into the streets…

The fridge had escaped once again.

_In Japan…_

"I'm going on leave for awhile…" Aizawa said to the team.

"Okay, fine," Light replied, basically ignoring him.

"Why?" Mogi asked.

"It's just… my afro… it has cancer."

Everyone gasped, except for Light.

"_Exactly as planned… I wrote down 'Aizawa's Afro', get cancer and eventually be cut off'…and it worked. With it out of the way, it'll be easier to manipulate the rest of the team and-"_

"Uh, Light?"

"Yes, Aizawa?"

"You do realize that you just said all that out-loud, right?"

They paused.

"…I was showing what Kira must be thinking right now, that's all." Light replied.

_"How did they hear that?! It was in italics!"_

"We… we heard that, too."

"…CRAP."

_At Matsuda's apartment…_

"But you two were handcuffed to each other for weeks!" Matsuda exclaimed.

"For the last time Matsuda," L replied, "it didn't happen."

"Not even while you were asleep?"

"No, besides, if he did something like that, I would've had Watari confine him again."

"I would've thought that Light was the kind of guy to do something like that without permission…"

"Well I actually asked him if he wanted to," L explained, "but he refused most of the time."

"So you mean you _did_-?!"

"Okay fine. Yes, I did, happy? And he sure does like lots of chocolate syrup and whipped cream…"

"Wow, I never would've guessed that about him." Matsuda said.

"Yep, Light is the only person besides Watari, with whom I've shared cake."

"Wow." Matsuda said.

"Yeah, and we had hot sex a few times too, but anyways…"

_At a law office somewhere…_

"Hey, Teru!" some lady said, walking into an office, "I've got some news-"

"IS IT ABOUT KAMI?!" he shouted, jumping up from his desk.

"…uh…no…" she said, "I just got back from the doctor," she said, walking up and grabbing his arm, "Honey… I'm pregnant!"

Mikami just stared down at her, unsure of what to say.

"Who _are _you?!" he asked, bluntly.

"I-I don't know…" she admitted.

"GET OUT!" he shouted, pointing at the door.

She didn't say a word, and walked out the door.

She was never seen again.

_Meanwhile, Thousands of miles away…_

"I have somehow, inexplicably figured out that Light Yagami is Kira." Near said.

"Woah! Woah! You can't do that!" Rester stated.

"Why not?"

"Because, one of the conditions of us being in this fanfic is that we follow some kind of continuity with the original storyline…"

"You've forgotten, that with our inheritance we received from L, we have the ability to screw the rules, besides, this fic makes no sense anyways…"

"You're telling me." Said a talking green orangutan.

"See?" Near said.

"B-but you're a main character." Givanni said, "us non-major characters aren't safe. We could be written out of the story!"

"You'll be fine…" Near said.

"But-"

"Oh just quit being a baby."

"Well…okay..."

_Somewhere.._

"Oh no, an asteroid is going to destroy the earth." A generic person said.

"I'll save the day!" said a generic, non-copyrighted superhero who shot a laser beam from his hand into the asteroid which then exploded causing thousands of smaller pieces to rain down onto the earth and do billions of dollars worth of damage to random buildings.

Conveniently, one of the pieces happened to hit the SPK's building, flying through it like a hot knife through butter, and hitting Givanni, who presumably died.  
"WE TOLD YOU!!" The other SPK members shouted in horror.  
"Okay, fine..." Near said, "I have absolutely no idea who Kira could possibly be." He said dryly.  
At that moment, a hand popped up from the hole that had been left by the asteroid, "I-I'm okay..." Givanni said, pulling himself up into the room.

"Oh, see guys? It was just a coincidence!" Near started to say, "Now like I was saying, Light Yagami is obviously Kira, all we have to do is-"

Suddenly Givanni spontaneously caught on fire.

"AHHHHHHHHHH!!"

"JESUS CHRIST NEAR JUST TAKE IT BACK!"

"Okay okay okay!! I take it back!" Near shouted

Out of nowhere it started raining, and water poured through a hole in the ceiling above Givanni where the asteroid had gone though. The fire was put out.

"You know what, screw this, I'm going to go play with my Legos again..." Near said walking off.

_Back at that random Law Office..._

Mikami was listening to music on his computer, when his boss came in, angrily, "Mikami! How many times do I have to tell you? That computer is NOT for personal use! Get that music off of there or you're FIRED!" He slammed the door and walked off to go yell at other unsuspecting employees.

Mikami sighed and opened his music folder, right clicking a song and letting his mouse cursor hover over the 'Delete' option. He looked around once to make sure no one was in his office, then clicked it.

"Delete..." He said out loud. He looked around again, and selected the next file, once again clicking the 'delete' option. "Delete." He said, once again as he clicked. He selected the next file, "Delete." He said even louder as he deleted it, too, "Delete!" he said as he removed the next one, "Delete! DELETE!! DELETE!!"

"WHAT THE HELL?!"

Mikami's boss had come back just as Mikami was at the peak of his Delete-gasm, and had found the young prosecutor throwing his arms around crazily and shouting.

Mikami froze, unsure of what to do

"I-uh...um..." He tried to explain, failing miserably.

His boss just stared at him wide eyed, slowly closed the door, and walked away.

He was also never seen again.

_At Matsuda's Apartment..._

Matsuda and Shinigami L were randomly watching T.V.

"Wow, L, these past few weeks-"

"Actually it's only been a few days..." L said, correcting him.

"Well they sure have been fun!"

"I guess they have, haven't they?" L admitted, he looked over at Matsuda's smiling face, and deliberated over something for a second, before saying "Matsuda, I need to tell you something."

"Oh, what is it?"

"You see Matsuda, the truth is-"

At that moment, Touta Matsuda accomplished something no human being had ever done; something that had been thought impossible; he somehow managed to get his entire head stuck inside a flower vase on a nearby table, after falling off the sofa.

L stopped talking, and just sat there, astounded, as Matsuda pulled it off his head and got back up, "I'm sorry L, what where you saying?"

"Matsuda...you're retarded."

_At the Investigation Headquarters..._

"Light!" Aizawa shouted, "I think we finally figured out who Kira is!"

"What?! I'm not Kira!! I was framed!! IT'S ALL MISA'S FAULT!"

"What are you talking about, Light? _Chuck Norris_ is Kira!" Soichiro explained.

"Okay, you got me, I- wait, what?!" Light asked, confused.

"It makes perfect sense," Aizawa continued, "He used that TV broadcast a few days ago to make it seem like he wasn't Kira, when in reality, _he_ was the one who killed Nicolas Cage."

"But _I'm_ the one who killed-" Everyone stared at Light, "I mean, uh, that makes perfect sense!"

"That also explains how he's gained an almost god-like status, he must have been using the Death Note to kill and defeat all those people over the years." Aizawa suggested.

"I have to admit, he sure is an evil genius." Soichiro said.

"But _I'm_ the evil-" They all looked at Light again, "I mean, uh, yeah, and he's gonna pay for what he's done..."


	2. Chapter 2

_Matsuda's Apartment..._

"Matsuda, hurry up with that cake." L said, sitting on Matsuda's couch watching the food network.

"I'm all out of cake-mix!"

"Oh, great..." L said sarcastically, "You'll just have to take me out to eat somewhere that has cake then."

"Oh really?" Matsuda said, annoyed, "Look, I'll take you, but I'm NOT paying, I've already spent almost all my money buying you sweets."

"Fine," L said, "I'll pay. In fact, I'll pay for you too, since you've been taking care of me."

"R-really?" Matsuda asked in disbelief.

"Sure." L said, walking towards the door.

_Meanwhile, in America..._

"Near!" Commander Rester shouted, "It's 10'o-clock! Time to go to bed!"

"Aw, but I don't wanna!" Near replied.

"You can finish figuring out who Kira is tomorrow."

"Just give me 15 more minutes!"

"Near!"

"Fine..." Near finally said, giving up. He went to his room and went to bed.

_Somewhere outside of the story..._

"Hello," said a disembodied voice, "I am the writer of this story, and this is the part where I get writer's block for several months and can't think of anything anymore."

...

...

...

...

...

"You're still here? Darn...How about we look into the deep recesses of Matsuda's mind? That outta be entertaining."

_In the Deep Recesses of Matsuda's Mind..._

_At a Fancy Cake Shop Somewhere..._

"Wow, this place is great L," Matsuda said, eating a piece of cake, "I'm glad you suggested it."

"It's my favorite one in all of Japan." L explained, "Me and Watari used to come here when I was little."

"Awww, you must've been adorable." Matsuda commented.

L glared at him, "If you ever say that about me again, I'll kill you."

Matsuda ignored L's threat and continued eating his cake happily as a waiter walked up to the table with the bill. Noticing him, Matsuda simply pointed at L, at which point the waiter lifted an eyebrow and placed the check on the table, before walking away. Matsuda was confused, didn't the waiter see-

"Well Matsuda, thanks for the cake." said a now floating L. He was a shinigami, after all.

"L you jerk! You said you'd pay!" Matsuda shouted, attracting the attention of the other patrons, who probably thought he was crazy.

"Well Matsuda...I love cake, and, well, you're easy to trick...so...sorry." and with that he floated through the wall and away from the restaurant, leaving poor, broke Matsuda with a bill he couldn't afford.

That was another night Matsuda cried himself to sleep.

_Somewhere else..._

_"_What the heck happened to the original plot?!" Someone asked.

Suddenly they caught on fire.

No one ever asked that question again.

_Matsuda's Apartment..._

"I'm bored." Matsuda said aloud, sitting on the floor of his now empty apartment. Since he didn't have a job anymore all of his furniture had been repossessed. Suddenly he got an idea, his forth one ever, "I know, I'll become a private investigator! Just like that one who helped me that one time!"

_Six months earlier..._

"Uh, hello?!" Matsuda said into his phone frantically, "Oh finally! Yes, I need help finding my remote! Baseball is on and I can't change the channel from Lifetim- I mean wrestling!"

"Um, try under your sofa cushion." Said the voice on the other line.

Matsuda reached into his couch, "Wait...I got it!" He pulled out his remote, "Thank you so much!!"

"Whatever," said the man on the phone, "You do know I charge 50,000 for each case, right? And after fees and-"

"Bye-bye!" Matsuda said, hanging up.

_Back to the Future..._

L glared at Matsuda, "I thought I told you not to have flashbacks."

"Oh yeah, that's right..."

_One week earli-_

"I said stop it!" L shouted angrily at Matsuda, interrupting the flashback.

"So L, you wanna be my secretary?" Matsuda asked, smiling.

"You're the one who should be MY secretary." L explained, "After all I'm an actual detective who's solved countless-"

"I'll pay you in cake." Matsuda said, interrupting.

"When do I start?" L asked

_Aizawa's House..._

Aizawa was sitting on his living room couch with a tub of ice cream, watching TV and crying. He couldn't believe his afro would be gone soon...for such an avid afro enthusiast, life would have no meaning with it gone.

"Honey!" his wife called from down the hall, "Are you coming to bed!"

"I TOLD YOU I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE!" He shouted back.

There were a few seconds of silence.

"Is that a no?" She asked

Aizawa ignore her and went back to watching the TV. He had at some point turned it to a random Spanish channel for no apparent reason. Honestly he hadn't even paid attention to what was on the screen until now, but what he saw shocked him so much, that he dropped the ice cream all over the floor.

On the screen, was a man with a large afro, who looked just like him.

It was his long lost brother, Ikat Aizawa.

_At Matsuda's Apartment/Office..._

Matsuda yawned as he sat in his apartment at a cheap desk he'd found near a dumpster somewhere. He had been waiting for calls all day from people wanting him to investigate things, but so far, the only call he'd gotten had been a wrong number from some old man who was apparently having a heart-attack and wanted help, and Matsuda wasn't a doctor, so he had just hung up. He looked over at L, who was sitting in another desk across from him, eating some cake.

"This cake has a really interesting taste..." L said, "Where did you say you got it?"

"Uhhh, just the local bakery." Matsuda lied, smiling. He'd found it in the dumpster where the desks had been. If L ever found out he was sure he'd probably die.

"Exactly how long are you going to sit there waiting for the phone to ring, Matsuda?" L asked curiously.

"I dunno," Matsuda shrugged, "As long as I have to, I guess."

"It's going to be a while before anyone calls, you know." L tried to explain, "That newspaper ad wont even be out till tomorrow."

"Who needs a newspaper ad? I'm sure we'll get a call any minute now from someone who was referred to us by all the people we helped for free today." Matsuda explained optimistically.

L sighed, "That was only one guy who asked what time it was. You didn't even remember to give him a business card, either, if you can either call them that..."

"Hey! I spent a lot of time on these!" Matsuda said, holding up one of his cards, which was nothing more than a cheap note card with his name, number, and a drawing of himself scribbled on with a crayon he'd found in one of the desk drawers.

"I'm just trying to tell you, you're going to be waiting a while, you may as well get some sleep."

"I don't wanna be asleep when they call though," Matsuda explained cheerfully, "besides, I'm sure they'll call any minute now."

_Three Days later..._

"Any...minute...now..." Matsuda mumbled, rocking back in forth, curled up in his chair.

"Matsuda...you really don't look good." L finally said, "You really ought to sleep..."

"...Sleep..." Matsuda repeated, "Sleep...good...Matsuda sleep..." he passed out, and his head landed on his desk with a loud thud.

And then the phone finally rang.

L let it ring a few times, before finally picking it up.

"Hello, thank you for calling the office of Matsuda, Ace- I mean Somewhat-Decent Detective, this is his secretary speaking, how can I help you?"

The person on the other end babbled something while L ignored them, thinking instead about whether he should wake up Matsuda. Finally, they stopped talking, and L decided, he would.

"Yes, please hold," he told the person, before looking up at Matsuda, who he then threw a pen at.

"WHA-?! WHO-?!" Matsuda shouted falling out of his chair.

"Matsuda, you have a call on line seven." L told him.

Matsuda got back in his chair and picked up the phone, his eyes already closing, "Hello...?" he said sleepily.

"Yes, Mr. Matsuda?! My husband, who's a millionaire, has been kidnapped and I'm willing to pay you lots of money to help get him back!"

"That's nice..." Matsuda mumbled, his eyes closed, "I want the red one..."

"...What?" The lady asked, confused, "Hello?"

"Goodbye..." Matsuda replied, dropping the phone from his hand and falling back onto the floor, passed out.

L just glared about angrily. What a waste. For once he actually tried to do something nice for Matsuda, and the young cop hadn't even taken advantage of the opportunity. L sighed as he started to close his Death Note, glancing only once at the name of the soon-to-be deceased lady that had just called.

_Somewhere a Few Feet Behind you..._

Ryuk stared at the person at the computer in front of him, he'd been there a while, and he'd seen EVERYTHING.

And I do mean _everything._

You should be ashamed.


	3. Return of the Crackfic

"I'm cold."

It was quickly getting colder as the sun set, settling quietly behind a curtain of buildings amid the soft oranges of the evening sky.

"I said I'm cold, Light."

"I know, Misa," Light finally replied, allowing himself to loose his focus on the sunset, which he considered a brief reminder of the beauty that remained on the Earth.

"When can we go home?" she asked in a high pitched voice that reminded Light of a spoiled child they had passed earlier in the park.

"We'll go home soon," he said after a pause, "I just want to enjoy this, please."

The hint of sincerity in his voice seemed to actually surprise Misa, and dutifully, she decided to wait as long as Light needed, and quietly. Light noticed, and in a rare moment was actually touched a bit. Sometimes he forgot just how devoted she was to him. Perhaps he lost sight of it too often.

"I'll never understand why you humans waste your time staring at things like sunsets," Ryuk commented, descending from behind Light and Misa, "You could be at home getting something done."

"You're hardly one to talk, Ryuk," Light calmly replied, a slight smile escaping.

Ryuk let out a chuckle, "I guess you're right, but what fun would it be for me to just kill you and leave?"

Light's smile faded. Ryuk's comment was a grim reminder of his inevitable fate. He still remembered the night, years ago now, when he had first met Ryuk, and Ryuk had casually mentioned that he would write down Light's name down when the time finally came. How he wished he knew just how long he had...but wishing did nothing.

The park had cleared by now. The orange and reds of the sunset now fading gradually into the dark blue of the night sky. Misa clutched at Lights arm and shivered, obviously very cold by now. Light let her stay there but made no effort to leave early, too engrossed in the beauty of the sky and the city laid out before him, like a great artwork in an unimaginably large art gallery.

_Soon,_ he thought, smiling, _this will all be yours. Your reward for bringing a new age of peace to humanity._

"We can go now, Misa," Light finally said as the park lights flickered to life. She smiled as he lead them back towards their apartment.

* * *

"AHH!" Light screamed, falling from his bed.

Misa jumped up with concern, "Light? Are the leaving me? DON'T GO!"

"No," Light replied, clutching his chest, "I'll do that tomorrow night," his heart was racing, "I just...had a nightmare..."

"You poor thing," she said comfortingly, "Ever since that guy stopped writing that crackfic about you, you haven't been the same."

"I know..." he said, placing his head in his palms to wipe away a few tears and sweat, "It's been almost four years now...But thats the thing...my nightmare..."

"What was it?" she asked, even more concerned.

"I dreamed he started writing again..."

"That sound like a good dream!" She said enthusiastically.

"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!" he screamed, grabbing her by the shoulders, "IT WAS SERIOUS!"

"You mean..." gasped, "IT MADE SENSE?"

"YES!" he cried in anguish, "IT WASNT FUNNY AT ALL!"

"THE HORROR!" she wailed.

"OH THE HUMANITY!" Soichiro cried bursting into their bedroom in rubber ducky Pjs.

"WHYYYY?" cried Aizawa, clutching the remains of his Afro in a ziplock bag.

* * *

"There," I thought to myself, smirking, "That ought to make them all quite happy until I decide to be un-lazy and do a better update."

"You're lying to yourself, you know?" came the cynical version of myself. "This is just like all the other times you started writing something...like this fic itself. You're doomed to fail. All of this has happened before..."

"Shut up you!" I shot back in my imagination. Imaginatively. "I'm TOTALLY gonna start writing again. It's gonna be awesome. People will totally be like, 'That Corey guy is soooo coool! His fanfics are soooo funny and clever and original!11!1!1!' and then someone is totally gonna call and be like, 'is this Corey? We totally need you to write a movie for us because you're the greatest writer of all time ever! Everyone on the internet says so!' and then I'll be rich and famous and it'll be awesome. You're just jealous."

"That was a horrible run on sentence," I replied, an overwhelming sense of disappointment seeping through every word, "If your English professor saw this he'd have to flunk you based on the paragraph alone...and I use the term 'paragraph' loosely, because, quite frankly, I'm not convinced that the mass of word-vomit up there meets the qualifications."

"NERD!"

"I-...what?"

"Thats right! NERRRRDDDD!"

"But- I'm you!"

"Yeah, and you're a giant nerd! 'oooh look at me I know words! I can type sentences that mean things!"

"Are-are you drunk?"

"What do you care? YOU NEVER LOVED ME!"

"I-...I don't even know how to respond at this point."

"Gett yourr handsss off mee!11!"

"Look, calm down man, okay? Just calm-"

"NO! _YOU_ calm _UP!_"

"That-"

"You're just jealous that I'm awesome and-"

"-doesn't even make any-"

"-wayyyy cooler than you and-"

"-sense at all, we're the same-"

HEY, KNOCK IT OFF!

"-oh shit."

"Yeah, sorry man, we let things get out of hand, we just-"

I don't care! Just get it together, alright? I'm trying to update a four-year old crackfic here! Have some damn respect!

"...we're really sorry man, we'll totally behave now, honest."

Its whatever just...just let me get back to writing.

"Okay...though, if I can say just one thing?"

Ugh...fine.

"...This whole section make absolutely no sense whatsoever."

"Yeah, its kind of hard to read, too."

Yeah, well _you_ try writing a crackfic at 2:30 in the morning when you totally run out of ideas for funny things about a show you haven't watched in at least two years.

"Well, we _are_ you...so, technically we kinda know exactly what that's like."

Oh.

"Yeah..."

* * *

Meanwhile, in stuff that people like more...

"Well, I'm pretty bored," L said aloud to the empty room of Matsuda's apartment, "I suppose I'll just keep sitting here then."

Nothing happened.

"...forever."

Still nothing happened.

"...Just waiting for the plot to continue..."

Finally, nothing happened.

This continued for several trillion years, until the waveform of nothing finally collapsed from it's false-vacuum state, causing the entire universe to collapse into a giant pit of explosive nothingness so empty that it finally approached the limit of what people were willing to read in a random fanfic.

Yep.

I'm a great writer. Right guys?

* * *

Several Trillion years earlier...

"Excuse me, sir," Light said, tapping the shoulder of the man in front of him at the Evil Villain Emporium and Warehouse, "You dropped your wallet."

"KAMIII?" a very obviously disturbed man (Mikami) said as he turned around to face him.

"Why, yes, that's me." Light replied politely.

"Oh, wow, I'm a big fan!" Mikami began, "I know you're probably busy with your whole 'killing-all-the-criminals-of-the-world-in-an-attempt-to-cleanse-humanity-of-evil-and-usher-in-a-new-era-of-peace thing, but could I maybe get an autograph? That'd be swell!"

"Why of course young man!" Light responded, "what would you like me to sign?"

"Oh, gee, I didn't even bring anything with me!" Mikami admitted blushing.

"Oh that's alright," Light said, smiling, "I always carry extra paper, here, lemme just sign this for you," and he pulled out a sheet of folded paper and pen, signing his name carefully.

"I really appreciate this," Mikami continued as Light dramatically signed his name, much to Mikami's delight, "I'm a big fan of your dramatic-penmanship! How did you get so good?"

"It's all in the wrists," Light explained with a wink, "here you go!" and he handed Mikami the signature.

"Gee, thanks!"

"You're very welcome! Just remember to-OH GOD NO!" Suddenly, Light fell to his knees, clutching his chest, obviously in pain, "WHY DO I CARRY SO MANY PAGES WITH ME?"

Somewhere, Misa felt a disturbance in the Force and jumped out the nearest window in anguish.

"KAMIII! NOOOOOO!" Mikami cried. Mikami Mikami Mikami Mikami. There. I didn't think I'd typed his name enough.

Out of nowhere the whole Investigation team appeared by Light's side as he drifted dramatically into death.

"I don't understand, Son..." Soichiro said in between tears, "Why?"

"Because, father..." Light began, coughing up blood for no reason, "I wanted to make the world a better place, just like you taught me..."

"No, not that." Soichiro responded, annoyed, "Why are you taking so long to die of heart attack when everyone else you killed died in like three seconds? I mean come on, just because you're a main character you get to have a super long drawn out death? That's hardly fair son!"

"But-I-!"

"No, no 'buts'! Now go to your room and don't come back till you've learned your lesson and die just like everyone else!"

"Daaaaad..." Light whined, "You're embarrassing me in front of my friends! That's so uncool!"

But before Soichiro could respond, Aizawa interrupted, "Hey wait a minute...that paper you wrote you're name on...it's not a piece of the Death Note! It's just a piece of ordinary notebook paper!"

Everyone cheered with joy! Confetti dropped from the ceiling and Light hugged his dad as people a few blocks away danced around Misa's splattered corpse. Cats and dogs got along, Conservatives and Liberals agreed on things, _Fanfic Authors actually updated stories._ It was glorious.

"I'm so glad we can put this whole Kira-business behind us finally!" Soichiro said cheerfully.

"Yeah, now we can all go about our lives," Mogi agreed, finally talking for once in the whole story.

"It would have been a shame if this had ended tragically!" Aizawa mused, and the whole group laughed politely.

"Say, how about we all go get ice-cream!" Soichiro suggested.

"What a great idea chief!"

"Yeah, dad, that sounds great!"

And so they all began heading for the door, holding a new-found respect for each other, and life itself...

When suddenly a figure came crashing through the door.

"OH MY GOD A HIDDEN NOTE!" Matsuda screamed to himself as he fired an assault rifle widely at Light.

"WHYYYYY?" Light screamed. Bullets ripped through his body, and Matsuda continued to shoot until Light collapsed onto the floor into a giant puddle of blood.

"GOD DAMMIT MATSUDA!"

"I...I helped, right guys?" Matsuda asked sheepishly with his hands behind his back.

"YOU IDIOT!" Soichiro was shouting, tears flowing from his cheeks, "WE HAD FINALLY-We...well, aw, I can't stay mad at you! Wanna go get ice cream with us?"

"Sure, that'd be great Chief!"

"I'm still alive..." Light mumbled weakly.

"A HIDDEN NOTE!" Matsuda screamed again, this time pulling out a rocket launched and firing it at Light's broken body, which exploded.

"Oh, Matsuda!" The team all said rolling their eyes at him affectionately.

And so, our hero Matsuda saved the day and got to eat ice cream! Light exploded, Misa jumped off a building, Ryuk overdosed at an apple orchard and had to go to Shinigami rehab, and Mello and Near had a super taboo love afair that made this fanfic technically illegal in most countries.

And myself? Oh, I still write fanfics from time to time...but one thing is for certain:

I have no idea what I'm doing.

THE END!

* * *

"Yep. Don't mind me," L complained, "I'm just one of the two main characters of the whole series."

Nothing happened.

"It's not like you totally forgot to indicate what happened to me or anything."

Still more nothing happened.

"It's fine really, I didn't even want ice cream."

Suddenly!...nothing happened.

"I guess I'll just wait here then."

More nothing.

"...justtttt waiting."

Nothing.

"...for anything."

Nope.

"Just anything at all..."

Nada.

"...I'd even take Yaoi at this point..."

No.

"Fine."

And then after years of waiting, and building anticipation; after countless nights spent laying awake, wondering when it would finally happen; after months of grueling, torturous agony, looking for something, _anything,_ that could be remotely related to something _possibly, maybe, **finally**** happening...**_

Absolutely nothing happened.

* * *

THE END?

Nah, not really. I'm sure I'll update again Soon (TM)...meaning, oh, maybe just 2 years this time? Better mark your calendars now!


End file.
